The Lewis Family!: July 2014

I have decided to write a post about any fears or thoughts that I think about pretty often as time comes closer and closer to having a son. At 38 weeks, he could be here any day and even though I know that it is still early, I feel like stranger things have happened and it is just a waiting game at this point.

I write these blog posts mainly for myself. I don't expect tons of people to read them or relate to them or for any of my posts to make it onto Pinterest. I really just think it would be great to look back on. Especially this post. Hopefully a year from now I will read it and laugh and most of these questions or fears will be answered or my feelings about them will have changed.

First of all, I have to say that I am BEYOND blessed to have had such an easy and healthy pregnancy as well as a healthy baby. There has never been any issues or trouble with me or him and for that I am thankful. Everyone has troubles in their lives or issues that they are working through and one quote that always made me thankful for my life was "If everyone were to throw their problems into a big pile, you would want yours back". I have always worried and stressed but when I think about the possibility of something being wrong with Nathan it is a whole other level of fear and I would take my current problems over having an unhealthy baby any day. Any mom that had severe struggles in their pregnancy or with their newborn or slight ones, I salute you. You are one STRONG momma! However, with that being said, it still hasn't hit me that he is an actual living being inside of me. yes I feel him move and yes I can usually tell which body part is where and when we saw his 3D sonogram we got a glimpse of all of his features (which totally resemble the Lewis family by the way.. Good thing my hubby is pretty good looking ;)) but its hard to imagine what is about to happen in the next few weeks and how differently life will change.

I read on a blog about a month ago where someone was pretty much in the same stage as me and she described this phase as "waiting to get hit by a truck". Obviously not meaning for it to sound like a horrible thing that is about to happen but life is about to be so different for the rest of our lives.. it is like standing in the middle of the street KNOWING that you are about to get hit by this truck but not knowing when. I have no doubt that it will be a truck filled with tears, laughter, joy other trucks for Nathan to play with and baseballs and good and bad times but it is little crazy to think about when or how this will all go down.

Everyone has their birth stories whether it is being induced, their water breaking in public, something dramatic or something low key. I am so anxious to know what my story will be.

Once Nathan arrives, I feel like I will have so many questions. Maybe not all at once but over time so many things will happen and I wont know what to do or how to handle them. I know I probably speak for everyone when I say that my mom always has the answers. Good or bad situations, if I call her, she knows what to do and what to say to make things better. I want so badly to be that mom for my little boy. For him to know that no matter what happens, I will be able to help in some way. I know that motherhood is a growing experience and yes people talk about "motherly instincts" but I am just being real when I say, its a little terrifying to be in charge of another human life. Even when he grows up, moves away and gets married I will still feel responsible.

I know I am getting ahead of myself when I write some of this because it is a long ways away before I need to start worrying about Nathan and the kind of man he will be. There are so many stages and life events before then, but I will always pray for him to be a GOOD man. Someone with a kind heart who never says anything negative or bad about someone.. Just like his dad. Eric is truly one of the sweetest men I will ever know. I don't think I have ever heard him say something negative about someone. I pray that Nathan is a HARD worker. Someone that knows that good things comes to those who pray and work hard for them. I pray that he knows he can do whatever it is that he wants to do and that there is more to life than being good at sports or being popular. Those things will fade over time and what is left of him will determine the man that he is. I hope that he is a gentleman and knows how to treat women. I pray that he is a good Christian man. I pray that he leads his wife and future kids in that direction and isn't afraid to talk about the Lord to anyone and is willing to spread the word every day that he can. And of course I pray that I can be the mother and that Eric can be the father that lead Nathan to be this person and that we do everything we possibly can to instill these qualities and characteristics into our little boy. Seems like a lot of pressure on a parent!

It is hard to believe that he isn't even born and I am worried about his life as a teenager or an adult. I am sure this is normal and it isn't like I sit and worry about this day in and day out but its a reality that will come sooner than I am ready for.

There are so many other questions and fears I have in these next two weeks (or possibly less). I know for a fact that Eric and I will leave the hospital with Nathan in his car seat and we will look at each other with the expression of "now what?" "they just let us leave with this little human and trust we know what we are doing?" It could truly be the blind leading the blind on this whole deal but one thing I have always said is that no matter how bad labor and delivery is or how rough the first month to 4 months are.. I want to find the humor in it all. I want to be able to laugh about it because someone is going through so much worse. Sleepless nights or a painful long delivery are all bound to happen and there will come a time when my newborn is a 6 month old turned toddler turned teenager and I will have wished I enjoyed those newborn moments a little more. This rough phase we are about to enter is inevitable... It just is what it is and there is no turning back now.

Of course I worry about things that will be happening soon, such as how my labor will start, breast feeding, life with a newborn and if he will be fussy. Finding a schedule once I go back to work, dropping him off at day care, what formula to use once I stop breast feeding. Worrying if he is still breathing at night and how to relax and give it all to Him during this time, knowing that he is being taken care of. I worry about how much tummy time to give him or how to swaddle correctly. How will he interact with our dogs and how will they interact with him?

There are so many other things that I think about on a daily basis and even though I have been told NUMEROUS times to enjoy these last two weeks, I am ready. I am ready to meet him. I am ready to be his mom and go through the tough and good times with him. I am ready to see Erics face as he meets our son for the first time. I am ready to love Eric in a totally different way as I see what kind of amazing father he is and how much our son resembles him. I know I will have questions and I know new fears will pop up along the way but I have prayed for a family of my own for a long time and I am so ready to begin that chapter. The good, the bad and the ugly. So in other words.. I think I am ready to get hit by this truck.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Pre-baby fears and thoughts

38 weeks...